im losing it am i?

what on earth is wrong with me?

I am losing my ability to fake.

It use to be one of my usefull skills

… (???)

But now i lost it.

I thinks that is a bad thing

People might think im rude when im just being myself

Its true only Gamila knows me that well

I am tremendously dosed out yet i need companion…

I need to be with people, but i cant fake the fact that i am tired…


“Repressing feeling is a must have. It differs us from Sane to Insane.”

That quote is haunting me again..

I like today…

Ahh the surprises you get from life…

It turns out that i began to love today

The Meeting was Funny

The 2005 Meeting was okay

Buddy’s coming to teach me how to do more with this Blog thing

I had several funny SMS’s from Mila

I like the weather

Today’s okay…

I like today…

HEY! Its today, another everyday…

Im expecting alot of things today.

Like Emal’s DVDs

2005 Program Meeting

Going home and get sum rest

after i wonder around BSM…

i feel like i wanna look for a surprise for Gamila

Tomorrow she’ll be coming home 🙂

i cant wait

what im not expecting (but i have to do anyway) is

Giving away evaluation for my broadcasters

Meeting this FAKE with LIES written all over his face

Though his calm and sinless face tries to cover it up but the stinks smells a thousand miles

i cant wait

Why am i not home?

Because i have to watch over this Erwin Gutawa interview on Backstage

“Dont yo hafta rest so you can go to work in the morning with full fit?”

I shouldve, but i cant.

This man is to HUGE to let alone

I have to make him feel welcome by having the pressence of a senior officer

“Okay, so afterward you’ll go straight home?”

Yea of course though there’s another problem

“And that is…”

I cant sleep early

“Okay… are you talking to your self again”

I guess so… who are you?

“Im you”

Well then yea, im talkin to myslef again

“Arent you afraid that you might be losing ur mind?”

No… im okay

“Then why talkin to ur self?”

Simple, i felt lonely

“But there are Iwan, Marco, Anou and everybody else…”

I know, sadly, they’re not exactly who i want to meet

“I know who”

Of course, ur me…

“yea… i miss her too…”


“So when are we going home?”

In about 15 minutes…


“Has it been 15 minute?”


“Oh, okay…”

“How about now?”



NO.. ummm.. Yea.. lets go

(now that’s freaky… a journey in to an obssesive mind…)

Who are YOU!?

(im … umm you)

Oh, fuck so there’s 3 of us now…

< well not exactly...>

(Okay, this would be number 4)

OKAY ENUFF!! i gotta go home




< Buh Bye...>

how i see Gamila

If ur not in to reading loveey love love stuff

Go away

Im about to tell a story of how Gamila is to me

Why? 1st of all because im sure noone would read this

2nd because i want to. Because i miss her.

Gamila is very interesting. U dont have to be a longtime shrink to know that

I’ve seen her pictures as an infant

Her gestures never changed.

It never changed since she was like 5 till today.

When she’s mad, she’s upset, she’s sad, happy, when she’s infront of the camera

To me that is very interseting. After all the glomy scenes in her life. She manages to keep one of her precious treasure.

Her purity. Her self

If you were me you’d agree that you’d never let her go

People would laugh at me

They’d never believe me if i say she’s the one

I wanna be with her all the time

I wanna close and open up my eyes with her

I want her to be tha last thing i see every night and the 1st thing i see or feel every morning

She can make me feel so secure

so safe

she has this way of treating me that makes me think that is exactly the kind of treatment i want for my child

For me she’s perfect

She’s warm, sexy (VERRRRRRYYY sexy) smart, talented, amazing voice, loveable, loves to love, passionate, caring, daring, beautiful if not stunningly gorgeous, tender and everynice thing you can ever think of

Gosh, am i being real with this

i think i am

im not making this up…

i love her for the quality she posses

both physically and mentally

i love her inner and outter beauty

i love the way she smells

i lvoe the way she giggles and laugh

i love the way she talks

i love the way she dresses

i love the way she takes care of me

i love the way she write SMSs for me

I love the way she sings

I love the way she says “Oh, baby…”

I love the way she looks when sleeping

I love the way she talks about things

i love the way she thinks

i love the way she eats with her small hands

i love the way she kiss

i love the way she hold my hand

i love the way she holds me down

i love the way she looks at me before we get freaky

i love the way she sings the way you look tonight

i love the way she’s so dependent on me

i love the way she makes her self feel good using me

i love the way she broadcast and sometimes its turning me on

Oh i really cant stop but i hafta…

im sorry hafta stop

i just gotta

stop now

Life sure is full of sick suprises…

Before my fingers starts to hit these keys, i was wonderin around the city alone. I felt like i wanted to eat “something american”. Not knowing what to do, i returned 5 dvd’s that i rented, and wonder off tryin to figure out what i wanted to eat.

But the best part of this strange tale is, all along that journey… i was talkin to myself NONSTOP. I didnt stop AT ALL untill my head (which is moving partly from my mouth) figured that i didnt want rice for dinner instead i wanted CHeeseBurger, Fillet O Fish, Soda, French Fries, and 2 Chickens.

Eventually in front of this monitor i ate:


Now, i am as full as Noah’s Arc

Suddenly i remembered this Quote i got from Gothica. Halle Berry’s late suspenseful movie.

Never thought i’d found a good quote from such movie.

Anyway it said

“Repressing feeling is a must have. It differs us from Sane to Insane.”

Or sumthing like that. What it meant was Repressing what we hv in mind is actually important. Because otherwise we’d be like all those sorry ass Crazy people wondering around this city.

They fail to repress their feelings and problems inside.

What went out was something horrofying.

They went bezerk.

So on normal basis, if we cant hold down our emotions (of course better it be the bad ones) we are not so much different from Crazy People.

I had this “thing” early on today.

Someone told the BIGGEST LIE i have ever heard.

I asked that someone 3 times to be sure

Still, he lied

I wanted to Hit hard by opening that STUPID lie.

Oh how i wish i tore down his lies coz i am tired of being lied and making him think that all of us are stupid

But then again… “Repressing feeling is a must have. It differs us from Sane to Insane.”

i am human being. I have been blessed with the ability to tell what is right from wrong

I realize that even though he did bad, doesnt mean it’s right for me to do something with that same level.

I chose to be sane.

I promise my self not to whine about it anymore.

Let him deal with his sins

Another example. This afternoon i had a problem with my previous blog account.

The error is unbareable i decided not to took care of it.

Instead of making another account i went down on it and make myself being washed out.

I need my girl to be sane

That is the truth

She helped me get a grip on reality and in life

today without her i felt very lost.

It took me 3 hours to get myself to make another account.

Now, i say goodbye to

i am not gonna go back.

Still i need this Blog thing. I am a messed up man with a messed up mind

I have a lot of things to say but i dont feel like telling it to people.

Im tired

Thats all

After dawn i lose my mood to talk. Maybe my concious tells me to keep myself intact and hold my breath for tomorrow. I need it for GMHR

I need to make my listener happy, want to

I want to make them fresh in the morning

all because i like to do it.

I like to make people happy

Back to what said before, i need to tell people what i have in mind.

Or bury it deep.

Either way, my lovely Gamila is my only answer.

How i miss her today

Those Garutian is having a Ball with her over there.

Its okay tho.. i dont mind

i know she’s mine

So here i am writing what i have in mind in this blog thing

Im almost done

at least for this one

Its just Another Everyday for me…

I’ll see you tomorrow or Tonight

i dont knowm we’ll see…