Talkin to myself again…

Sometimes i think, no matter how far i run, i always end up on the same place again.

I always think i dont fit this “growing up” thing.

Every effort i tried to escape the idiot i was, the faster i run towards being the very same person.

I hated my self.

I stil hate my old self.

I want to runaway from him

But eventually my escape will always bring me to my own reflection

Its like my feet is trying to tell me.

“This is you man… this has been and will always be you”

I wish i can be unfoolish.

I want to grow up.

I want to stop crying when i feel sad and depressed.

I wish i can handle my situations.

I wish i can really understand what’s going on.

I wish i know the answer to every problem.

Mine and hers.

I wish i can win this.

I wish i dont have to fight for it.

I wish it can be mine forever.

i wish there is no choice to choose from.

I’m 29…

I hate my junior high and it was SMP 29…

Am i suppose to grow up?

I dress and talk like a grown up.

But a part from me is always sad.

The little boy who want’s to get everything he wants.

who wants to do everything his way.

The game of consequences is inevitable for every adult.

You refuse to work, you wont get paid.

You refuse to stay true, you wont find true love.

You refuse to commit, you wont find your end.

Im listening to John Mayer now, “Stop This Train” from his album CONTINUUM.

“Stop this train
I wanna get off
And go home again
I can’t take the speed it’s moving in
I know I can’t
But honestly, won’t someone stop this train?”

My father always say.. “Everything is fast with you mas pandji”

Fast runner, fast thinker, i talk fast, i fell asleep fast, i eat fast, i learn fast and as result, i live a fast paced life.

Have i been skipping parts of my life?

Did i lost something?

Did i not?

In certain situations i dont know what to do.

…

Lemme rephrase that. I know what to do.

I just dont like to do it.

When i feel sad, or troubled, i go to those i love.

But when they are also cornered and troubled, telling em how i feel will only add problems for them.

So i had to choose.

Should i go on and pour my misery on em.

Or should i keep it for another day, and lend my ears and heart for them?

But another day, i wouldnt want to pour it out.

I want it at present time.

…

So i give in… I keep it to myself and give myself to them.

And while it happens again and again… my kept feelings kept locked away.

That’s a part of growing up…

i hate growing up…

I hate having choices sometimes.

…

Stop it.

Stop it.

 

“Stop this train
I wanna get off
And go home again
I can’t take the speed it’s moving in
I know I can’t
But honestly, won’t someone stop this train?”

This “train” is a metaphore for “life”

can i stop it?